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Saturday, January 1st, 2005
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to you all!!!
I'm still in sunny (!) B'ham, for another day that is. Then I am off home, via Dartford, for a blind date with Vijay! Really excited, although i will look like shite after a really long journey!!
Heard that a certain ex of min hooked up with a nice young girl last night, dont know if i am happy or not. Oh well at least I cant feel guilty about my behaviour over the last couple of weeks!!!
anyhue hope you all had a good one and a great year!
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Thursday, December 30th, 2004
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Well I had a good one. Got loads of stuff from me family (dvd, new tv, loads of make-up, vodka and other alcohol, a couple of new tops and some other random stuff. ) I also got some decent stuff off of friends (membership to Kings was one...yipppeee!)
I spent xmas day at home and the 28th with the rest of the family and a late night at my aunts with the rather Lumpy 5 mnth gone Ray playing silly games. Beau then came round to calm me down as I was freaking out about the trip to B'ham the next morning and took me on a nice trip to......the petrol station!!!! lol. Well he also came in and picked up his dvds and gave me a good bye hug!!
I have now made it to B'ham kind of way, actually have no idea where i am. Nr chasetown/linchfield i beleive and have spent the last coupole of days sleeping and watcing tv. Getting ready for tomorrow night!! I am off dressed a fairy to a local thing at a pub. So cheap drinking! yay!!!
On really good news JAmes and I finally got together on xams eve and he has asked me out again when I get back from here! yippppeeee! was really suprised when he text me (oh and he called ma a "really amazing person and georgous!" Yippppeeee!)
anyhue guys have a fab new year!! and remember to drink dink and drink!
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Thursday, December 23rd, 2004
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Urgh, suddenly started to kick myself when I realised that I had forgtten to get Rosies pressie. So I am going to have to make a dash into tunny wells to get it. I have no idea what I am going to buy her yet. And its going to take a couple of weeks to get to Cork. Dammit, lots of phone calls to her and fed ex tomorrow me thinks.
Plans for tomorrow night are all over the place. I hope I am going to make it out at the moment, but the last train is about half ten, which means that there wuill be no point in my going out as I am not meeting lee until about ten. And I still need to fix my boots and get my dress ready. (I am altering my santa dress)but hopefully me and pete have got lifts organised which means I will be out lateish, but also means I am not spending £50 on taxis.
I'm in a good mood at the moment, cheering myself up by keeping as busy as I can, mainly by rearranging my room ever five mins, and adding yet more tinsel to everything.
Anyhue, doubt I will update tomorrow. And Xmas day is going to be as busy as anything, doing the normal waking up at 6.30 and then we are looking after the entire family.
Then after xmas I am going all over the place to see familyu, and on the 29th I'm off to see Ant from hideaway, so really really excited!!!!
yay!!
HAPPY XMAS ALL!
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Tuesday, December 21st, 2004
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| Time: | 3:02 pm. |
| Music: | Natasha Bedingfeild - WildHorses. |
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Ok I have a free five mins! wahoooo!!!
I have finished my room, finally. I have unpakced the last box of stuff and painted my last friggin skirting board. Thank god. I really didnt think I would have it done before xmas. But with a little motivation and a servere lack of sleep I have managed to do it. Yipppeee!!!
I have converted my bed into my new sofa by lowering it a little and finally unpacking my hundreds of pillows that I brought in camdem market months ago!!!
And I have got my new tree wedged into a corner with pretty light on it!!!
I suddendly remembered this morning that I still have pressies to buy, so I am going to have to go into town this week and do yet more shopping, so not happy about that. I manged to get Charlotte (she of the young family member clan) a really nice squien Ted Baker top from Covent Garden market so at least I have that one out of the way at last.
I am also preparing for friday night, I have dug my old Ms Santa dress out of my draw and I am redoing it, I seem to have masses of white fur at the moment, but it looks damn good!! I think I will probably freeze to death but it will be worth it, To walk into Que Passa dressed like that!!
I am heading out with Lee and some people I havent met before, so should be a good laugh. Last time I went out with lee I ended up on the poles in the Passa. The off out to Bowlplex until half two then drinking until three at a mates house. So I am in for a late night me thinks. (KK only hopes her bro is around for a lift....)
Anyhue I am going to get ready for a night out with friends later, and I have the house to myself for a while so I think a little naugtyness is called for!!! *wink*
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Monday, December 20th, 2004
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Finally got our tree up last night. Its all pretty and sparkly!
I did way too much for my own good yesterday, the most busiest was taking the dog on a stupidly long walk, during which i froze!!
Beau and tom went to Miten Keynes yesterday, and I made myself giggle by calliung them 'my boys' for most of the day!! lol! waaaay too much mulled wine!
I am taking it easy over the next couple of days. I am being taken out to dinner tonight hopefully by my mystery man, and who knows what may happen!!
If I dont update
Have a good crimbo all!
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Thursday, December 16th, 2004
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| Time: | 5:12 pm. |
| Mood: |  okay. | | Music: | Damian rice - B sides.. |
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Evening everyone!!!
Lets see, what has been going on??
Finished all my xmas shopping, finally. I have spent way too much money. And I have managed to pay off 99% of my debts this week, with lots of pleading for advances in pay etc etc. Which means I am not quite so stressed at the moment.
I have been speaking to Laura (of the Spainish half of the family type gal) And she is really keen for me to come over for new years, So i am going to go. I'll have to track down some fast cash but it should work out ok. I am also taking lisa with me (she of the South African heritage) so a nice girly weekend away.
(means I can finally hit on my old next door neighbout anthony....yipppeeeee!)
I have got a couple of new pircings this week, a nice little xmas pressie from my mam. So me happy, although I cant sleep. and I have been out every night this week, meeting up with a new friend mainly. I've been ristranted with my drinking as I am back on treatment but I have been having fun more or less!!!
Went to Litten tree couple of nights ago and got very excited about thier Miss Sants contest!!! cute barmiads in tiny dresses!!! And I got a phone number from a nice barman!
Got oriented around my new desk at work this week also!!! I have my own phone ! HOW COOL!
Anyhue I am off out later, I hope so must go have bath and such!!!
night all!
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Tuesday, December 14th, 2004
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Stolen from Katelass and blokee.
1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
got 2 tattoos, went traveling around europe.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
see above!!! i am making 2 this year but i am not telling you as I know I wont stick to them!
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
yep - deanna
4. Did anyone close to you die?
yep - edik
5. What countries did you visit?
spain, france, beguim, germany,Isle of white and irland, teneriffee.
6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
happiness.
7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
19th October - day I had my operation. And the day edik died.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
loosing 2 stone and getting my new job with bsm ( am i allowed 2?:P)
9. What was your biggest failure?
putting the weight back on!
11. What was the best thing you bought?
my iriver!
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My brothers
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
my own.
14. Where did most of your money go?
traveling!
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
finishing college.
16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
lots of them!!!
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier.
ii. thinner or fatter? thinner (with a severe lack of boobs now also).
iii. richer or poorer? Poorer - much much poorer.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Seeing friends.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
switching jobs!
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
xamas eve with andy at our fav nightclub in eastbourne, and with my family xmas day
21) Question 21 disappeared so I'll make up me own question - 'Pull anyone in 2004?'
*me blushes* thank god i dont have to name them!
22. Did you fall in love in 2004?
*refuses to answer*
23. How many one-night stands?
4
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Little Britan!
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
only one person..... not naming names tho!
26. What was the best book you read?
Brick Lane - still reading it!
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Damian Rice.
28. What did you want and get?
a new perspective on life
29. What did you want and not get?
closer.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
i dont know actually! saw too many! prob Sunshine on spotless mind thing!
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i was 19, and i had dinner with my family and flew to see a friend in france.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
having someone back in my life! that or loosing more weight.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
more and more scary!
34. What kept you sane?
hideaway.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
marc anthony, as always.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
oh dear god dont even think about getting me started on that!
37. Who did you miss?
Lots of ppl, mianly Laura ( over in spain) and then edik.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Prolly Beau, tom or ant.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004.
live life to the full.
40. Quote a song lyric.
I burise easily, so be careful when u handle me.
So just how boring am I? :p
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Monday, December 13th, 2004
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I had THE strangest dream last night.....
It involved lots of ex b/f's all my friends and random ppl.
I wont go into details.
Needless to say I am a little freaked out today!
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Thursday, December 9th, 2004
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These last few days have been pretty hard on me. Everything I have done, every converstation i have had, every thought I have had has brought my thoughts right back to Mr Mitchell.
David is exactly like him, from the way he talks, to the way he smells. I have spent too many hours the last few days examining him, comparing, trying to not to see the simalarites. I dont know wether this has been a good or a bad thing. Its made me reasses my feelings. I have hugged and been hugged. I have kissed and been kissed. I have talked to, been talked about. My feelings and emotions taking to extreames. Even now as I sit in his sitting room I am looking round and noticing everything that is the same. From the colour on the walls, to the same picture hanging next to the tv.
The way he looks is so scarily the same, if I hug up to him i feel his neck, the contours of his stomach, even the hairs on the back of his neck. Everything is reminding me. I have been lying awake wishing that I was back in our room, snuggled up with the cat looking out the window at a familier site. All I have beenseeing is a haze of red from the street light. I spent a lot of time last night looking out of the window. It was about half six and the feelings that ran through me made me sick. I remember nights like this when we were together. And last night, all I wanted was one of his hugs, the silence that let me know he was there, that he understood how I was feeling. I wanted to be taken to bed and held. I wanted the hair taken away from my face and for someone to dry my tears. I cried myself to sleep. No hug, no silence. Only the feeling that he was so far away, and he no idea how much I needed him. How much I wanted to feel his skin agasint mine, even to hear the sound of him sleeping.
I have had it drummed into me over the last year that I did not love him. That I loved the way of life. Afterall how could I love someone who was older than me, led a different lifestyle, expected different things??????? And I have belived this. Until last night. Last night I realised, that no matter how much I want it. No matter how many tears I shed.I will never have it again. Someone else is getting MY hugs, someone else is sitting there feeling his body, feeling everything i want him to feel about me.
I came away to re asses my life. to sit back and look at evetything i have been through in the last year. god knows how i have got through it. My friends have helped, I have been brought closer to my family and the endless stream of crappy jobs has even helped me find myself.
As I sit here now I feel I am back with him. I feel a comfort. I feel safe and it makes me not want to leave. I know I am going to get a stupid amount of shit from people for saying this. I know the comments will come back. Everyone tells me to move on. And I am refusing. Until I find someone who understands that this one person manged to actaully make me happy, and he was the only person who ever made me happy. I will not move on.
I am me. I come with my problems, I come with the stupid fucking emotional baggage. And that wont change. I am still holding onto a glimmer of hope that one day I will meet him in the street, and he will smile. I am fed up of hiding behind people, refusing to go to places I know i will see him. and when I do see him, maybe one day I wont turn and walk away.
I am going to turn around now, hug david, breath in is smell. Listen to him talk and laugh all night at the silly things he says. I will pretend that I am happy. I will go home and make converstaion with my family, tell them everything is fine. I will lie down in bed tonight and not think about Paul. I have become so good at not thinking about him. The dreams have stopped, the looking through photos. I will not think about him again in this way for a long time. And I will carry on to tell myself that I never really loved him..........
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Wednesday, December 8th, 2004
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Well I am still away actually!!!!
Friday:
Spent the day packing and xmas shopping with my mum. Then met Andy (of the Lanky sort)and Lee and headed down to Eastbourne to go to Kings nightclub. Two floors of dancing and music.... I had a great time, lee got a little wasted, saying that so was I! :P Got home about half 2ish, straight to bed and sleep. up again at 6 to carry on packing and sort out the last of my stuff!
Sat:
Left for Newark pretty early and spent the entire day treking through london and newark before meeting up with EmmaJ and going to skegness to play Laserquest and then do some bowling (I won the laserquest and lost at bowling!) We then headed back to Boston to go to Joeys flat and ordered about 13 pizzas, which all got eatan by the 12 of us. Then we headed out for a major drinking session (I still hadnet really sobered up sonce the night before and i was drinking while bowling!) We went to Catus Jacks and I got some we deserved dancing in with Squirrel. Got home again about 3ish and straight to sleep, 11 of us cramped into a really tiny sitting room...i was squashed between Ant and Squirrel for the entire night!!!
Sun:
Left Joeys flat around 3 and got to Eastleigh around 7, and finally got to meet david. Which was a good thing, I spent the evening on the sofa chatting on line and catching up with David. headed to the pub for yet more drinking...
Monday:
Didnt really do much, woke up around 12 and went for a walk in the woods, which was nice and relaxing. I saw deer and lots of squirrels. In the evening we crashed out and I slept.
Yesterday:
Again up really really late, and I spent the day catching up on some work ( mainly planning lectures for Exeter universtiy) and met up with mark in Basingstoke in the evening for a nice italian meal and lots of wine. It was a interesting evening to say the least. and back home again to do more sleeping. Was a little upset when I woke up about 4 in the morning and david was still downstairs working!!!! He finally came to bed about 6....so i made the most of him and attacked him a lot....I love inflicting punishment!!!! lol.
Today:
I had done very little, I was planning on playing with my camera, but I didnt really get round to that, seeing that it is a dark and gloomy day and I dont have the right film with me or my flash. Hopefully Jason will be coming over here tonight for dinner, and I will finally get to meet Zoe. I have heard so much about her and have spoken to her many times. For someone who is going out with my ex I have very few bad thoughts about her!!
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Me and Ant
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One of the reasons I treked it half way across the country was to finally meet someone ( I shall call him Sparky). We have been speaking online for a few months now, flirting, confiding in each other and genereally really getting on. He told me I really should come to Boston and meet him. So when my plans to go away with my brother fell through I said yes. When we first saw each other I was instantly attracted ( finally I had found someone who was really nice, smart, funny, understood me and was sex on legs) but i was really flusted ( after 7 hours of traveling and not one toilet stop/food break/fag break what do you expect) So it was a general, Hi, bye kind of thing as I dived to the loo. Then we moved on to laserquest, where I finally got to speak to Squirrel and Sparky. We seemed to really hit it off, we were on the same team for laserquest and then we kept attacking eachother during the second game. He was a lot more shy than i thought he would be, but i let that slide.
We did talk alot when we were walking through Skegness, lauging and joking and all sorts. So I thought we were getting on realy really well.....
And again when we were walking to the club, we were talking and laughing, I was throwing back the WKD, and he was finding it hysterical that I was trying to walk, talk and drink all at the same time. When we got to the first bar I was assocsted by some other ppl and such....and then when I came back to talk to him, he was blanking me. I couldnt understand why. Then I saw that someone was talking to him, and looking at me at the same time. It is a well known fact that me and this person do not get on. So I assumed that he was spreading the shit a little. I ignored it and made an effort to talk to him,
When we went dacning he wouldnt dance....me having fun and throwing back the shots ( about 10) and was dancing like a mad thing for the entire evening. When I was talking to ppl about what to do with Sparky they were all telling me to make a go of it, as he reallyt liked me. But there was nothing I could do!!!!! dammit! so i got a little more drunk and dont remember much.
The next morning i genreally said sorry a lot about whatever I had done to upset him. And it seemed to work. We are talking again and I am even thinking about going to spend some time with him before I go to glasgow for the hideaway meet for new years.
I think it will be better for us to be more one on one. As we are both quite shy when it comes to big groups....maybe I'll let him see the more sensative side of me.
I am quite upset that nothing really happened while I was there, it was something that I really wanted, and from ppl were saying he really wanted it to happen too. I have spent the last few days thiknking whatg a prat I have been....and I only wish I had acted a little bit better, and not gotten drunk.
I think i really like sparky....only problem is that he lives in Bham....i'm so confuzzled!!!!
SORRY ABOUT THE LENGTH!
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Thursday, December 2nd, 2004
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I moved my stuff out of toms place today. I took my dad and my mum to help me, which meant that we got it done quickly, that didnt make it any easier at all. So I have spend the day moping around feeling crappy.
I also packed for my trip saturday,lots of stuff, had to sit on my case to shut it. but it is done.
Tomorrow i pick up all my tickets. and i've been told to bring my passport...scary!
Off out with tom tonight. fun.
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It would have been her 16th b-day today.
I did not remember until I was reminded. there is a tradiation that we have, when we are born we get a gold and dimond ring and we keep it until we are 16. then we wear it, and never take it off.
Mine was stolen when i was very young. So now i am wearing hers.
RIP.
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Tuesday, November 30th, 2004
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Crikey I have been a busy bee!!!
Lots has happened....well actually that is a lie! Not at lot has happened.
I saw lisa-lou on sat and went to jacks for a nice meal, saw ems and pete, alice and rachel and lou. (I saw them on friday at presentation evening but i am trying to block that night from my mind)
then I went to ze Butt with andyroo, had a nice heart to heart. then got thrown up on when i was on the train home.
Last night i spent at andys, watched a couple of films, and i got wasted on too much wine. I have a bad hangover right now, and for some reason andy isnt really talking to me so i dred to think what i said to him.
I am planning to go to boston next weekend.....its a really touchy subject so stop sending me emails about that please!
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Friday, November 26th, 2004
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| Time: | 1:59 pm. |
| Mood: |  sleepy. |
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RPO was really good. It was a fun evening, meet Lucie, which was really nice. She is very vibrant and funny in person. I had a great time, and i was even pursauded to go up to Boston next week. I was in two minds as it was 4 hours on train, but EmmaJ has said she will pick me up from london. Its good timing as I'll be heading back down to Winch to see david. I have a nice long week planned, working during day and romance in the evenings. It'll just make a nice change to spend a week away, no phone, no family. and no pressure to be everywhere every five mins!!!
I have presentation evening tonight, kinad looking forward to it, kinda dreding it. Two hours crammed into a small hall, prancing around on stage all smiley smiley. Afterwards i am being forced to go to a formal drinks thing to ''mingle'' with ppl. Save me. I'm begging Miggy to join me...but she is hungover. Silly moo.
On really good news....went to hospital yesterday and everything is absolutly perfect! yipeee!
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Tuesday, November 23rd, 2004
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After Ediks funeral I have not been in the mood to do much. I have generally lazzed around and done stuff all.... actually that is a lie. I have been drowning my sorrows at the pub.
I met up with some friends friday night, after the funeral and went bowling. and played pool. Met some new friends, Mark, michael, sarah, claire and laura. It was a nice general evening. Beau took me over and looked after me. We spent ages just talking about what happened between me and tom. It felt really good to get things off my chest.
Sat night was very interesting. I went out with Beau and rob. They both brought a mini Moto. and we spent the afternoon in town buying clothes thdn playing with the new bikes. On the way back to mine Beaus mum invited me to a black tie thing in maidstone. Before i knew what was happening i was being elbowed in the side by rob telling me to go. so I went, dressed up in my new lace dress and lookng stunning.
It was a good evening. Bit boring as i didnt know anyone there, but we snuck off to the pub and spent a while talking about things.
sunday was a boring day. however i got a date with Marcus, this amazingly cute, dreadlocked, tanned, toned, babe fron aussie. Met in the pub for a drink. But things went downhill from there. I stupidly got in his car, and went for a drive. and he was more than a little forcefull on me. I ended up kneeing him in the stomache, i have a brusie on my arm and leg. I felt so stupid fpr not calling someone. When I got home i phoned a mate and he came straight over (this was about 1 in the morning btw) and took me out for a drive, and we spent ages just sat in his car, i was sobbing and shaking. But at the same time i felt safe. I am still shaken from it. I went into town today and i kept looking over my shoudler.
And last night, I was with a friend watching vids for most of the evening. And it was good. It just felt good to feel safe again.
Claire had a go at me last ngiht for not calling the police. I just feel stupid. Will i even learn from my mistakes?
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Friday, November 19th, 2004
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I didnt sleep much last night, I was too worried about today.
Ediks funeral took place at Tunbridge wells cermintorian at 9.30 this morning. 3 of his favourite songs were played:
A traditional song from Armania
In too deep - sum 41
and The show must go on - Queen.
All three described him perfectly. When I got there I was completely amazed at the amount people there, when I saw him mum she broke down in tears, there was easily 100 people, inlcuding old friends from college, and teachers. It just showed how much he was loved, how many lives he touched.
I stood with Dan, and we held each other. I tried to be strong, I tried to be there for him. And it was all I could do not to break down in hysterics. i had to leave near the end to cry to myself.
I will never forget him, he was someone i loved deeply and will always love.
as I write this I am crying, i cant be strong anymore.
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Thursday, November 18th, 2004
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JUst spent the last half hour crying in shower.
I feel a lot better for it.
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Tuesday, November 16th, 2004
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| Time: | 5:23 pm. |
| Mood: |  sore. |
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Been a rough couple of days. Went to docs yesterday, they seem to think that the infection is not getting better, so i am back on intensive course of medicene in order to try and fight it. MRSA is still a worry.....
I have been fighting with my mum alot too, about tom, money work and life. Really getting too me. I stormed out this afternoon, went for a really long walk, which has left me feeling so shit I can barely stand up. So I am stranded on the sofa for the time being, watching re runs of buffy and startrek. I am meant to be going out around nine for a drink with my fav man, Jon. I am really hoping that I can pluck up the strength to go, if even for half and hour. But that isnt until nine so hopefully I will have got some stength back....fingers crossed!
As for next week, I have got my dress, new shoes and bag for meeting pplm from Hideaway. Getting really nervous about it. I cant help but think that they are going to hate me. I am so much younger than them, and I think I will feel like a 3rd wheel and not have fun. As I said before I only know adam really, I have met the others, but not really spoken to them. And adam doesnt exactly speak to me!
Oh well, they probably just talk to me cos they have nothing else to do anyway. I am going to shoot off now, talk in hideaway and pretend to be in a good mood. Pretend that I beleive they actually like me.
night all.
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Monday, November 15th, 2004
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I've just made a big mistake.
After loading anothr 8.5 MB onto my Iriver I discovered I have Avril avigne on here.
I am now listening to it. and all I can think aboutis paul
Ands I cant get the strength to turn it off.
Bugger.
*cries*
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snugglepussy's journal
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